Eating Disorders Today

Awakening to Eating Disorder Recovery

       How does a person with an eating disorder take genuine action that will realistically create a solid recovery path?  How does she maintain her sense of purpose so she keeps to that path despite painful challenges?

       These are two of many vital questions I’m attempting to address in this blog. They are in the back of my mind always when I think about eating disorder recovery.

       I remember my first psychotherapy session with the psychotherapist who led me through the first years of my own recovery from bulimia.  She was the third person I ever told I was bulimic and the first who was not in a 12-step program. I was terrified. When I saw that she was still warm and interested in me and not overwhelmed by my revelation I thought I was free to breathe again.

       But then she said, “We’ll begin an interesting journey.”  I burst into tears.  She was surprised.  She wanted to know why I was crying.  Perhaps you who are reading eating disorder recovery blogs and websites will understand.

       My psychotherapist said we would begin a journey.  I told her, it had taken me years of hard work and despair to reach the point where I could sit before her.  And she called this the beginning.

       I cried because my beginning was such a long time ago.  I cried because I had come so far only to learn that this now was just the beginning.

       Of course, I didn’t have much recovery to work with then so I didn’t appreciate the concept of “new beginning.”  Now I realize that in recovery and in most or all areas of life, we always have an opportunity to see and live any and every moment as a new beginning. 

       But I was bulimic then.  I thought in terms of black and white, all or none, and I thought in a linear fashion.  I had no idea that my way of thinking was narrow and confining.

       Sometimes, on a dark night with heavy black clouds and pouring rain the world seems mysterious, powerful and almost invisible.  What you do see is distorted by slanting water, shadows and imagination.

       Then suddenly, from out of an unknown somewhere a bolt of lightning strikes out across the blackness.  The startling glare dispels shadows and brings the world up clear and vivid. The moment passes. The dark returns.  But your memory of the light remains. You got a glimpse of the presence beneath the cloak of darkness.

       Eating disorders are like that black stormy night, full of passion, fear and misguided distorted visions.  The stroke of lightning is the life force in us that gives us a glimpse of who and where we really are. We may not like what we see. 

       But if we can hold that awareness a little longer each time our inner lightning strikes, our awareness will grow. We can use it to build our way out of the darkness and into an opportunity of finding our healthy and distortion free life.

       What equips a person to get on and stay on her recovery path?  It has to do with keeping alive those many tiny glimpses of light and health that shoot through the eating disorder way of life. When you gather enough of those glimpses you have a compelling vision of a better life. 

       Lightning is raw energy.  A glimpse of the truth of your life comes from your inner life force.  That’s a kind of raw energy too.  The awareness leads you to your Recovery path.  The energy helps keep you on that path.

Joanna Poppink, MFT, psychotherapist eating disorder specialist, Los Angeles, CA bulimia, anorexia, compulsive overeating recovery, www.poppink.com

Eating Disorder In-patient and Residential Treatment

     A worried mother called me this morning, concerned that she had not yet received my eating disorder in-patient/residential treatment program list. http://www.poppink.com/list.html

     I was on vacation in Maui with my family and couldn't send the list until today.

     The mother, in the Midwest, is deeply concerned about her 25 year old daughter on the east coast who is a compulsive overeater and obese. They are both looking for an in-patient program that will get her started in recovery.  Well, actually, I think they hope that checking into the best program they can find will result in cure. 

     I'm always concerned when someone says that "some kind of support might be needed after" a residential treatment experience.  To me this phrase reflects a naive hope that a person can go away ill, come back cured and the burden of the illness will be lifted off everyone involved.

     This fantasy simply must be dispelled so that unnecessary disappointment and feelings of failure don't delay or even destroy positive moves toward recovery that are being made.  Residential treatment can help people get on the recovery path.  After residential treatment people with eating disorders still have to walk that path, or climb or crawl or, as 12-step says, "trudge" their way to recovery.

     When you know you are working toward progress, even when you are backsliding a bit, you can keep your energy directed on the healing task in front of you.  You might feel frustrated at times.  Who doesn't?  But you can handle feelings of frustration. We've all had lots of practice with that.

     When you know that in-patient is a first, not a last step you can be less hard on yourself.  You can ease into the program and do the best you can.  You don't have to feel a sense of failure at all.  By putting yourself in a healing environment you are making yourself a winner.  When that healing environment becomes your own inner self, your recovery becomes more solid. The transition between in-patient treatment and solid inner recovery is usually long term psychotherapy. 

     How long is long?  It's long enough to make that internal healing environment in you as solid as can be. It's long enough for you to have solid practice and experience in living a healthy life in a new way without needing bulimia or anorexia or a binge or a cutting or starving episode to get through. It's long enough to guide you, support you, ease you, escort you to a healthy life. 

           Please remember, the search for something "perfect", the desire to find the "perfect" program, the urge to reach the "perfect" size or be the "perfect" person in any way at all is a symptom of an eating disorder.  We humans are not designed to be "perfect".  Our design is that of a human being with all our flaws and contradictions. There's something wonderful about being like a kaleidoscope, an endless colorful variety of perspectives, intact and whole.

     I hope with all my heart that the woman who called this morning and her 25 year old daughter who is locked into her own mind and body by her eating disorder, can find the help and the direction they both need to get relief from their suffering and find their eating disorder recovery path.

Joanna Poppink, MFT, psychotherapist eating disorder specialist, Los Angeles, CA                       bulimia, anorexia, compulsive overeating recovery, www.poppink.com