Eating Disorders Today

Coping with Family Visits over the Holidays

Most people with eating disorders have experienced strained relationships within their family with one or more family members. Creating distance from family is an attempt to create a safe barrier in order to avoid familiar emotional difficulties.

However, separation from family during a holiday season opens up an inner black hole of loneliness, abandonment, isolation and terrific grief. The ideal holiday celebration images streaming in through media, billboards, music, street corners, malls, shop windows is in extreme contrast to the real experience.

Yet, to be with family triggers floods of anxiety because the family will be the real family, not the media images of the holiday. If the person is in the early to mid stages of eating disorder recovery she does not yet have the ability to protect herself and stand firm in the presence of the people who remind her of the original stressful situations.

Early recovery from anorexia, bulimia or compulsive overeating is a sensitive and emotionally painful and frightening time. The person is quite vulnerable.

Here are some tips on coping with family visits.

1. Decide in advance what boundaries you need to keep yourself safe and secure. e.g. separate room for sleeping (i.e. no sleeping on the living room couch) or other public places.

2. Let people know in advance that you have a food plan you need to honor. Make arrangements for the food you need to be easily available.

3. Set up a phone support team in advance. You make calls at specific times to specific people who will listen to your stress and your achievements with understanding. These people can be from eating disorder support groups, your psychotherapist, Overeaters Anonymous members.

4. If your feelings get out of hand, if you are on the verge of being overwhelmed, make your outreach calls and find an OA meeting. Put yourself in an environment where the top priority for others is eating disorder recovery.

5. And always, always: Don t get too tired, too hungry or too thirsty. Keeping yourself well rested, well nourished and well hydrated not only helps keep you healthy. It also helps keep your blood sugar levels reasonable and your emotions more even and mellow.

Please remember, the greatest challenge in eating disorder recovery is to recognize that you suffer from an illness and that your recovery depends on your bearing your own feelings. We all must live in the world as it is.

When your feelings are unbearable, as they often are when you suffer from an eating disorder, your challenge is to find healthy ways to reduce the stress in your environment. At the same time, since isolation is tempting but not a good idea, you need to find ways to build your inner strength so that you can bear more of the stress of life.

All this may seem like an arduous task. But you will be surprised at the joy and satisfaction you experience as you discover your own creativity and new skills in caring for yourself well. You'll discover ways of being more at peace with your family. What's more, you will like yourself better.

Joanna Poppink, MFT, psychotherapist eating disorder specialist, Los Angeles, CA

bulimia, anorexia, compulsive overeating recovery:  www.poppink.com

Eating Disorders, Family Visits and the Holiday Season

          People with eating disorders or in early or mid recovery

from eating disorders call for help more often during the holidays

than any other time.

          If they are separated from family for any reason they feel

bereft.  At the same time, if they are going to be with family, they

are flooded with anxiety.

          The eating disorder behaviors, too much or too little, purge

via throwing up or exercise, are defenses against both real and

perceived dangers.  Unfortunately the person with an eating disorder

often cannot tell the difference.  She feels vulnerable and actually is

unable to take care of herself in many mild as well as severe stressful

situations that arise in family gatherings.

Options are:

          1.         avoid the family gatherings.  consequence: feels lonely and abandoned.

          2.         attend the family gatherings. consequence: feels rage, fear and attempts

                      to control others

          3.         act out her eating disorder, i.e. binge, purge, starve and do what she is told:

                      consequence: is numb to people and stress around her, feels isolated among

                      people, feels guilt, shame and lots of tension.

          4.         call for help and commit to recovery work.  consequence: provides herself
   
                      with support, encouragement and tools to withstand her stresses without acting out,

                      begins to develop health and strength so she no longer needs the eating disorder to

                      cope with her life including her family relationships.

          The good news is that pain aroused during the holidays waken the person to the fact that her

issues are not about her personality or will power.  Her pain can show her that she suffers from an

illness and can motivate her to begin or recommit to her recovery work.

                                                      

Joanna Poppink, MFT, psychotherapist eating disorder specialist, Los Angeles, CA

bulimia, anorexia, compulsive overeating recovery:  www.poppink.com