Boyfriend Wants to Help His Girlfriend Who Suffers from Anorexia

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        A young man wrote asking how to help the woman he loves.  She is anorexic. They've been together for a little over a year. He says one good thing about the situation is that she is aware of her condition and has begun to talk with him about it.

        He is combing the Internet and bookstores reading hundreds of stories and medical write-ups about eating disorders and anorexia in particular. He says he feels that the more information he has the better he can behave toward his girl.

        I'm trying here to give you the message and the tone of his letter without giving you his exact words.  Those words belong to him.  But the message within his words applies to many young men (and not so young men) who are in a relationship with an anorexic woman.

        He says he and his girlfriend have begun to have wonderful conversations about her condition.  He feels these conversations are a good sign because she is not getting upset as they talk.  He wants to do the right thing, be supportive and help her get well. 

        He tells her that the two of them can get through this problem and that he will remain committed to her no matter what.  He says that he never has loved anyone as much as he loves her.

        He repeats throughout his letter in many ways that he feels good about her turning to him for help.  He wants to make sure he is doing everything possible for the woman he loves to help her get well. I am the only person he has spoken to about his girlfriend.  Her condition is private and he wants to honor that privacy as he helps her get well.

        My heart is touched by his plea for help. I only hope I can help you see what I see in his bittersweet request.

       At the end of this post is my answer to him.  I stand by what I said. What I didn't say is this:

       Anorexia is a profound illness that affects the mind and spirit as well as the body. A person who is anorexic denies herself in many ways.  She is often unreachable by any form of nourishment. 

       A person who is in the throes of anorexia is like a starving person standing before a feast, pleading for food.  Generous people offer her food,but the starving person pushes it away, throws it away, spills it, can't hold the plate, can't hold the fork, can't deal with the temperature or consistency, can't swallow properly, and on and on.

       The people at the feast, who do not understand her illness, will meet each problem as it comes with a solution.  They will hold the plate, change the temperature, provide more comfortable utensils, find
ways to help her throat function with massage or medicine or hospitalization, and on and on.

       Each attempted solution will have flaws that keep that starving person from taking any nourishment. She may cry, complain, suffer and plead for help.  But she cannot accept it.  Eventually she will be visibly angry and actively spurn attempts to help her or criticize the people trying to help her for being invasive, critical, bossy, controlling, selfish, and on and on.

       This is only part of the picture. I'll talk about more in future posts.  But this part of the picture is what concerns me regarding the young man's request for help.

       He sounds to me as if he feels that all his love, energy and intellectual prowess, if rallied properly, will save his beloved.

       He doesn't know that he can be drained while his efforts somehow continually fail to reach her in a healing, nourishing way.

       I hope you understand that I am describing the symptoms of an illness. This is not about the authentic woman living under the burden of the anorexia.  That authentic woman is barricaded within herself by the illness. The ardent boyfriend is confronted with more symptoms than he knows.

       I fear for both of them.

       Still, there is a way out.  Healing can happen if both people recognize that some of their feelings and behaviors are a direct consequence of the anorexia and must not be given power.

       Specific suggestions to the young man:

Dear Young Man,

1.      Encourage your girlfriend to work regularly with a mental health professional who has expertise in treating eating disorders.

2.      Go to Overeaters Anonymous meetings occasionally, and listen to people talk about their experience in suffering and recovering from eating disorders.

3.      Let your girlfriend know you are doing this and let her know you would go with her to an OA meeting or two to get her started if she were willing to go.

4.      Go to Al-anon meetings yourself and learn the basics about being in relationship with someone who has a disorder similar to addiction.

5.      Let your girlfriend know you are doing this because her being at risk from this illness causes you great concern, and you want to know how to help yourself deal with your own suffering as well as help her.

6.      Make sure you take care of yourself.  You might consider getting supportive counseling for yourself.  Getting too involved in her recovery can cause problems for you and your relationship.

       You need all the support, knowledge, patience, self respect and self-confidence you can rally and develop to see this relationship through. It takes skill and attention to boundaries and self care to learn how to be in relationship with the person you love and not be in relationship with the disorder.         

       Good luck!  You sound like you really care about her. She's fortunate to have you by her side.

Comments

[sarah]

I think that it's always a challenge to want to be there for someone who cannot be there for (him)herself. I commend those who want to try - having been there for others in addition to having had others not quite able to be there for me - it's not an easy task to sit by and simply be there.

[Joanna Poppink, LMFT]

Dear Sarah,

Thank you for posting your sensitive response.

I agree with you. We all usually want to "do" something for the people we love when they are hurting.

Sometimes, especially with eating disorders, the best we can do that is truly effective is to "be" there for the person we love.

And by that I mean "be" a loving presence, "be" as healthy as we can, "be" respectul without trying to save, "be" open and inviting without catering to any of the eating disorder symptoms.

Yes, it's a challenge to be on either side of that situation. The eating disorder person often wants soothing and rescue. The loving friend wants to provide a solution.

Both people need to grow and be sturdy both in their love and their respect for healthy boundaries.

A lot of positive developments can emerge if they follow this challenging path.

I hope you are doing well in your life, Sarah. You sound as if you know quite a bit about the challenges in recovery.

By all means write again. You are more than welcome to share your wisdom and experience on my blog.

Joanna

[sarah]

Thanks for your response.

I know you've been by my blog and seen that I've had most of my responses to your posts there. This time, I'll include one here as well, but more to your comment.

I am a little too familiar with the challenges that recovery can pose; but I'm learning that underneath the stress and anxiety and frustration that they sometimes cause, I'm glad for those challenges: they show me how I've grown and where I still need to grow. If there weren't challenges in life, I don't suppose that I'd be doing much to learn or change or grow; I think that would take a lot out of the journey.

That journey's important; so is sharing it - hence my blog where I try to fit the pieces together and the reading I do when I'm looking for a different perspective. Thank you too for the invitation to share here; I'm likely to take you up on it - and feel free to pull from my writings if there's something there that you would like to share here.

[sarah]

Thanks for your response.

I know you've been by my blog and seen that I've had most of my responses to your posts there. This time, I'll include one here as well, but more to your comment.

I am a little too familiar with the challenges that recovery can pose; but I'm learning that underneath the stress and anxiety and frustration that they sometimes cause, I'm glad for those challenges: they show me how I've grown and where I still need to grow.

If there weren't challenges in life, I don't suppose that I'd be doing much to learn or change or grow; I think that would take a lot out of the journey.

That journey's important; so is sharing it - hence my blog where I try to fit the pieces together and the reading I do when I'm looking for a different perspective.

Thank you too for the invitation to share here; I'm likely to take you up on it - and feel free to pull from my writings if there's something there that you would like to share here.